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March 14, 2009 / Kate

What I know could feed America for a while

I heard that when a woman becomes pregnant, the advice flows like the wine she can no longer drink. It’s true. I didn’t realize just how annoying it would be.

1) Are you exercising? You need to exercise. (THANKS! I had no idea!)

2) Home birth, huh? Did you ever consider a back up plan? I think you need a back up plan. I like to call it a “Plan B”. Do you have a plan B?  (No, I think if my birth plan doesn’t go the way I envision it, I’ll just sit around and watch cable and try not to think about it)

3) You know, if you don’t find out the sex of your baby before you give birth, you won’t really be able to bond very well. (Is that so? I guess I am already screwing up my relationship with little Banzo)

4) Don’t lift your arms over your head!! (Oh. Okay. I guess I won’t be swimming or getting dressed anymore)

5) My sister in law is pregnant and did not have any morning sickness. It’s because she’s so physically active and healthy (FUCK YOU!!! Fuck her if she told you that!!)

Do these people think I’m an idiot? AM I an idiot?

I know everything there is to know about babies. You can’t tell me anything. All I really need is a bouncy chair and a couple of teething rings. Maybe a whirly digital music play mat. I mean, right? All that other baby gear is just a symptom of American rabid consumerism, am I right, or am I right?

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12 Comments

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  1. jessmonster / Mar 15 2009 5:38 am

    Look at the baby on Lost – all he needs is a blanket. They don’t even feed him, for crying out loud. Don’t give in to the consumerism.

    Oh, and we need to criticize any names you’re thinking of, too. To your face.

  2. Jesse / Mar 15 2009 7:02 am

    You’re having a baby? In this economy? Don’t you know there’s a plastic shortage? Really. How selfish.

  3. Daniel / Mar 16 2009 2:17 am

    Ha, I almost left a comment on your facebook that looked extremely similar to this post (I’m glad I curtailed it, that would have been embarassing). We have the same rant, I think.

    My favorite one goes like this:
    “When I was pregnant with *insert child’s name*, I was *insert number* days overdue, and then I went into labor for *insert number >25* hours. Then when I was pregnant with *insert 2nd child’s name*…” Continue until list of children has been exhausted.

    On another note, I feel bad for all those parents who couldn’t bond with their babies until ultrasound was invented.

  4. Caroline / Mar 16 2009 1:11 pm

    Oh, just wait. By the time you’re 6 mos along or so, nobody will know what to say to you unless they talk about your pregnancy. As if all you are is a belly. By 7 mos. along all anybody will be able to say is “Boy, you’re getting big. When’s your due date? Have you gone into labor yet?” I try to make a point of asking pregnant women about other parts of their lives, because this would drive me nuts!

  5. rose / Mar 21 2009 6:45 pm

    I can’t wait till you have a baby and blog about it. before you got pregnant I couldn’t wait till you got pregnant and blogged about it. i love it.

  6. TJ Wendel / Mar 30 2009 5:24 pm

    My favorite? Oh you are due in late August? Well, my husband’s mom’s aunt’s birthday is August 10th so have the baby then.

  7. Lunasea / Apr 7 2009 5:40 pm

    “You’re probably going to pick one of those ODD names, aren’t you?” As for what you need, you need whatever will make the baby sleep. Unfortunately, only the baby knows what this will be and you don’t get to find out ahead of time. And they can’t speak yet so you get to buy everything and then see what works. It’s not rabid consumerism – it’s desperation.

    (I can’t believe anyone would say #3. Ridiculous. On the other hand, according to the old women in Lima, Peru, #4 will cause the baby’s umbilical cord to wrap around its neck, and I guess they should know.)

  8. tyka / Apr 7 2009 9:25 pm

    I got another one the other day. “Kate! Don’t eat that salsa! If you eat spicy food your baby will come out with white spots all over it’s face!”

  9. maria / Apr 21 2009 2:00 am

    As a childbirth educator, I am practicing ENORMOUS restraint I think, aren’t I? I can be so bad. But I am going to not say a thing unless asked. Well, I said one thing, but red flags raise when I hear things about due dates and changing how far along someone is, and you have to grant it to me, I did not know you were having a home birth…

    Anyway, you know where to find me, if ever you need anything. There are resources on my blog as well if you need them. I think for any birth any place, we need to remain autonomous and educate ourselves 🙂 Is that too much as well? I just want to say that I am *very* happy you are having a home birth. I have been wondering how it was for you to be at Matthias’ birth. Now that you are preparing for your own birth, I would love to know if and how it affected you.

  10. tyka / Apr 22 2009 10:43 pm

    I found Matthias’ birth to be incredible and awe-inspiring. Now that I am preparing for my own, I feel more confident because I’ve seen it before. I’ve never witnessed a hospital birth, only heard stories (most of them negative and scary). All the home birth stories I’ve heard, and the one I witnessed have been positive, beautiful experiences. This is what I imagine when I see myself birthing my child at home.

  11. maria / Apr 22 2009 11:01 pm

    I am glad it had such a positive impact. From where I was sitting, it was my longest most grueling and demanding birth! So I was worried about that for you. I think it was a total of 24 hours, though once it got into gear, it wasn’t that long anymore. My first was 6 though, Rachel 2 and Thomas 2, so quite the difference. I think it was a position issue. If I had been in a hospital, I would have been induced because my water had been broken for 24 hours too. With the position, it may very well have been a c-section too. Patience, eh.

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