What I know could feed America for a while
I heard that when a woman becomes pregnant, the advice flows like the wine she can no longer drink. It’s true. I didn’t realize just how annoying it would be.
1) Are you exercising? You need to exercise. (THANKS! I had no idea!)
2) Home birth, huh? Did you ever consider a back up plan? I think you need a back up plan. I like to call it a “Plan B”. Do you have a plan B? (No, I think if my birth plan doesn’t go the way I envision it, I’ll just sit around and watch cable and try not to think about it)
3) You know, if you don’t find out the sex of your baby before you give birth, you won’t really be able to bond very well. (Is that so? I guess I am already screwing up my relationship with little Banzo)
4) Don’t lift your arms over your head!! (Oh. Okay. I guess I won’t be swimming or getting dressed anymore)
5) My sister in law is pregnant and did not have any morning sickness. It’s because she’s so physically active and healthy (FUCK YOU!!! Fuck her if she told you that!!)
Do these people think I’m an idiot? AM I an idiot?
I know everything there is to know about babies. You can’t tell me anything. All I really need is a bouncy chair and a couple of teething rings. Maybe a whirly digital music play mat. I mean, right? All that other baby gear is just a symptom of American rabid consumerism, am I right, or am I right?