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July 29, 2007 / Kate

I’ll take a dog bite and a bee sting

On Friday I was forced to drive a van full of students to Hell’s Six Sphincters.

Right after the three hour drive and the two mile walk to get to the line to get in the line to go through the gates, I promptly lost two of my charges. Two of my gang banging probation charges. Disappeared into the crowd. In Vallejo, CA.

At this time I was confronted with a one stop shopping neat little fun sized pack of my least favorite things:

  1. Crowds
  2. Screaming
  3.  Children on leashes
  4. Heat
  5. Loud pop music
  6. Fast food
  7. Animal cruelty
  8.  Vomit
  9. Large plush animals
  10.  Lines
  11.  Little girls with t-shirts that say “Flirt” or “Bruther 4 Sale 50 Sents”
  12.  Little boys with t-shirts that say “Gimme the candy and no one gets hurt” and “I’m a little devil”
  13.  Bald, dejected camels
  14.  Overheated penguins
  15.  Blisters
  16.  Sunburns
  17.  30 minute lines for shriveled pizza, $8.49 a slice
  18.  “No outside food allowed”
  19. Lost gang members

I had the kids that stayed with me call the two lost kids and tell them to come back. The lost kids “couldn’t figure out” where they were. We waited. I had them paged. We waited. I called their probation officer and he called them and threatened to arrest them if they didn’t come back to me, and miraculously they got their bearings and found me in 3 minutes.

The rest of the day was all about crisscrossed sunburn lines on my neck and shoulders from standing at the base of each ride, holding everyone’s bags and cameras and hats and cell phones for them as they screamed overhead.

We dragged ourselves across the parking lot to the vans and piled in, trying not to sear our flesh on the vinyl seats, and buckled up. I pulled out of the parking lot, onto the street, squeezed onto the freeway and put the van in park. The freeway was gridlocked. It took us 2 hours to move 3 miles. The boys in my van went through the normal traffic emotional stages: denial, grief, rage, urge to urinate, mild violence, threats, and finally, giggles. They started giggling around 4 hours into the trip home. They found a roll of masking tape under one of the seats and began taping messages on the windows, shaking with laughter. One window proclaimed “hElp ShE kid….nap me!” They taped their own faces and stared at the cars next to us, trying not to laugh. It was quite the scene: these tough guys with tough tattoos and shaved heads giggling and trying to breathe and falling over one another.

I ended up putting in a 13 hour day. I got home at 9 PM and the goats were beside themselves, wanting to be milked. I milked them and then I died. Right there on the carpet. But then I had to resurrect myself and get ready for the farmer’s market the next morning. I went to the market and came home and died again. Then we went to a party. But that’s for another entry.

One Comment

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  1. jessmonster / Aug 1 2007 8:32 pm

    You and I have so many of the same things on our ‘least favorite’ list. No wonder we’re friends. Those camels ALWAYS get to me.

    But in all seriousness, few things tick me off more than ‘no outside food’ and those t-shirts.

    Denial is definitely the first stage of traffic emotion.

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