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December 2, 2006 / Kate

Rub The Goat!

The time has come for our goats to become women. Or nannies. Or whatever. We have decided to get them knocked up so that we can have milk and babies in the spring. We have been told that in order to tell whether or not our ladies are fertile, we must have something in their stall that smells like a boy goat. When the ladies are primed for action, they will get freaky with said smelly object and we will know to make the goat booty call.

There is a stanky stanky male goat on the property where Keith works, so he asked permission to rub a rag on him and bring it home to our girls. Can you imagine that conversation? “It’s not a fetish or anything, I swear. I just need to rub your goat’s balls with this rag. Please. And here’s my time sheet.”

Keith kept forgetting to do the deed, so he asked me to call him at work to remind him. I called several times yesterday, shouting, “Rub the Goat!” and he finally wrote, “Rub the Goat!” on his hand so that he would remember during his lunch break.

He said he felt foolish rubbing the goat’s manly parts as his coworkers looked on from the windows. The dude goat really got into it, though. Keith says that during this time the males like to make themselves as stinky as possible in order to attract the ladies. They do so by peeing on themselves. They pee on their own faces. Sometimes with their mouths open. Talk about a golden shower. Nasty.

Ahh! The farm life is exciting!

In other news, I am a Substance Abuse Therapist, and I spelled Methamphetamine incorrectly when giving a presentation about the drug to a group of middle schoolers. I suk. I spelled it “Methanfetamine”, which, in my defense is close to the way it is spelled in Spanish “Metanfetamina”. So I am not a total loser, but I felt stoopid having to correct my own spelling after a few minutes of looking at the word on the board.

This job? This job with the drugs and the kids? It’s kind of depressing. Small town boredom+teens with shitty family dynamics= substance abuse. There is nothing to do here that is exciting for youth besides getting high.

Somebody ought to do something to change that.

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One Comment

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  1. mclargehuge / Dec 2 2006 9:14 pm

    wish i could be there to witness the goat love.

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