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November 6, 2005 / Kate

A total downer

As I look ahead to the huge changes that are going to be taking place in my life during the next year, I can’t help but feel a bit of trepidation about the unknown. Most of you don’t know this, but Keith and I are moving to California after the wedding, and we are getting married two weeks afer I graduate from college. Three huge changes all at once for little old me.

Maybe its because I just finished Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking, but I have been thinking a lot lately about the unforeseen changes that happen in life. Everyone has some sort of shocking and painful event that jolts them into survival mode. Something that they never could have prepared themself for.

I often wonder what it’s going to be for me. I run scenarios through my mind and try to imagine how I would cope.

Jess and I were talking about this last night. Everyone’s worst nightmare is so radically different. Jess was saying that a friend of hers has a fear that one day she will discover that she is infertile. That would be a nightmare for her.

If I were to discover that I was infertile, I’m sure I would grieve a little, but it certainly wouldn’t be a nightmare, because I am passionate about adoption. Infertility is not very high on the list of things that I worry about.

My godfather asked me last night if Keith decides someday that he is strongly against the Orthodox faith and refuses to raise our children in the faith, what would I do? I found the question to be unfair, and I had a hard time answering it. I told him that I had no way of knowing that because I am not faced with it. All I can do is go off of the information that I have right now. The information I have now is that he is very supportive of me and respectful of the church and committed to raising our future children in the faith. No one knows what life has in store for them. Getting married is risky, whether or not the person you marry is Orthodox. People change, Orthodoxy is not some kind of fail safe insurance against unknown tragedies. A woman that I grew up with recently separated from her abusive husband. They were both Orthodox, they did everything the ‘right’ way, and there was no way she could have known what life had in store for her.

I’m just sayin’…

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3 Comments

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  1. Jess / Nov 6 2005 5:24 pm

    I was thinking about the abusive husband when reading that lovely book your mother lent you…how a little intimacy before marriage just might clue you in to some of their terrible, horrible flaws and you could run screaming before you have two kids with him. Um, yeah.

    I’m still unsure about what would be worst – your worst nightmare coming true, or something unforseen thing that never occurred to you.

  2. vasisthadas / Nov 6 2005 6:13 pm

    I think you’re doing just fine, cuz. You are a strong and intelligent person. If something comes up to throw salt in your game, you will find your way through. And it isn’t like you’re alone. You have a lot of people who want to help you in any way they can.

    I would be worried if you didn’t feel some trepidation. This is a BIG step. It’s exciting and wonderful and a little scary. Just don’t get to thinking you’re alone.

  3. vasisthadas / Nov 6 2005 6:15 pm

    Also, because that was pretty serious, and I’m not really known for that…

    BOOGERS!!

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