Well you know, I have problems. With my mother. And its sad and hard. Most of the time I am able to set boundaries and things are okay and we can live in harmony. We can’t really be close and I can’t really be myself, but its not tense.
But there are times when the boundaries are suddenly gone and I find myself totally vulnerable and exposed to her madness before I can rebuild them. Its exhausting to always be on guard and not able to completely relax.
It would be easy to write her off and cut her out of my life if I ignored the fact that everything she does comes from her heart and from her intense love for me, however insane and misguided her actions may be. As it is, I try to love her and see things from her perspective while protecting myself.
So I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. He’s compassionate and kind and responsible and everything I have been looking for. He happens to not be Orthodox.
I have a good job and I am doing good things with my life. I’m a good person and I’m okay with who I am and who I am becoming.
But somehow, to her, its not good enough. Not only that, its wrong and evil and bad and I am going to hell. Just because I dont live exactly the way she feels I should live. She is not able to love me for who I am and just accept me. I might as well be a crack whore. It would make no difference.
Jess and I had dinner with a family from my church tonight. Their children are mostly adults now and all very different, wonderful people. It was so refreshing to be in their house and see the love that they had for each other. The parents were completely loving and accepting of their children, most of whom no longer attend the church. They were also loving and accepting of me and the choices I have made in my life. It was lovely, but it made me long for the same unconditional love from my own mother. I want so much just to be myself with her and have that be okay.
She told me once that she would not come to my wedding if I end up marrying Keith. I dont think she meant it, but that hurts. She hurts me like that all the time.
I want so much to be the kind of parents that I witnessed tonight. I want my children to be able to be themselves with all their flaws and poor choices and silly tattoos. I vowed to do this as I left tonight.