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May 15, 2005 / Kate

Fandango?

Well you know, I have problems. With my mother. And its sad and hard. Most of the time I am able to set boundaries and things are okay and we can live in harmony. We can’t really be close and I can’t really be myself, but its not tense.
But there are times when the boundaries are suddenly gone and I find myself totally vulnerable and exposed to her madness before I can rebuild them. Its exhausting to always be on guard and not able to completely relax.
It would be easy to write her off and cut her out of my life if I ignored the fact that everything she does comes from her heart and from her intense love for me, however insane and misguided her actions may be. As it is, I try to love her and see things from her perspective while protecting myself.
So I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. He’s compassionate and kind and responsible and everything I have been looking for. He happens to not be Orthodox.
I have a good job and I am doing good things with my life. I’m a good person and I’m okay with who I am and who I am becoming.
But somehow, to her, its not good enough. Not only that, its wrong and evil and bad and I am going to hell. Just because I dont live exactly the way she feels I should live. She is not able to love me for who I am and just accept me. I might as well be a crack whore. It would make no difference.
Jess and I had dinner with a family from my church tonight. Their children are mostly adults now and all very different, wonderful people. It was so refreshing to be in their house and see the love that they had for each other. The parents were completely loving and accepting of their children, most of whom no longer attend the church. They were also loving and accepting of me and the choices I have made in my life. It was lovely, but it made me long for the same unconditional love from my own mother. I want so much just to be myself with her and have that be okay.
She told me once that she would not come to my wedding if I end up marrying Keith. I dont think she meant it, but that hurts. She hurts me like that all the time.
I want so much to be the kind of parents that I witnessed tonight. I want my children to be able to be themselves with all their flaws and poor choices and silly tattoos. I vowed to do this as I left tonight.

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12 Comments

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  1. ksnoop / May 15 2005 11:13 pm

    That is a hard one. Be true to yourself and make decisions that you feel are the right thing to do. You are such an honest and open person and how can your Mom not think Keith is just the cream of the crop. I love that you are not a crack whore. Sorry, don’t know what else to say.

  2. Kate / May 15 2005 11:23 pm

    I love not being a crack whore too. It was a toss up between Social Services and Crack Whoring and I think I made the right choice. I get medical and dental.

    Keith is the cream of the crop. That was a good year.

  3. jess / May 15 2005 11:56 pm

    Welcome back to the fold, sweetie.

  4. Poppymom / May 16 2005 6:25 am

    Hobocamp? Hobo…hobocamp!

    Seriously, I know of which you speak. Your mom sounds a lot like my dad. It’s so hard and frustrating. As a parent, I can’t imagine putting silly conditionalities on my love for my child, which makes it even harder to understand the motivation of parents like ours.

    Eventually you just realize that you’re never going to make her 100% happy and that maybe she’s the one who’s wrong, not you. I just hope you realize that faster than I did.I think you already have.

  5. Nikki / May 16 2005 8:18 am

    awww… Didn’t know you and me had so much in common…. Except you seem determined not to write off your mom, because you know it all comes outta love, where I have given up trying to see the love and no longer care horribly to have her in my life.. esp since I got kicked out and disinheirited after I took a semester off to go help her out… but.. good news… i still love you!

  6. vasisthadas / May 16 2005 8:54 am

    You will always have family to love you, Kate. Always.

  7. Kate / May 16 2005 8:55 am

    I go back and forth between being dragged along with her insanity for a while and then realizing it by bouncing things off people who love me all the time and then coming back to reality. I am staying more in reality nowadays and working on not letting it affect me.
    Poppy, does your father still do this regarding your parenting too? Does he have the potential to treat Clara Jane that way? Because that would cause me to completely cut ties. I can handle it myself, but if she started treating my kids that way, I couldnt let them feel rejected and loved conditionally.

  8. Kate / May 16 2005 8:57 am

    Thanks, cousin. I’m feelin the love.

  9. porchwise / May 16 2005 6:01 pm

    Over protective mothers can be a bitch but once you fly the coup she’ll get over it. Don’t attend college and live at home if you can help it..just means the flying will take a few more years if you do. Good luck.

  10. Kate / May 16 2005 6:08 pm

    Oh, the coop has been flown. I left four years ago. But she’s still in my life

  11. jess / May 16 2005 9:26 pm

    You should tot stage a coup, Kate.

  12. Kate / May 16 2005 10:37 pm

    She beat me to it.

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