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March 6, 2005 / Kate

It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Ahhh… Spring has arrived. The cherry trees along our street are blooming, the sun is shining, everyone is out and about, walking, biking, rollerblading, picnicking, basking in the sun, threatening each other’s life.
Wait, what?
We live in a tiny complex of three apartments. One unit is on top of another unit and then we are beside them, so we dont have anyone above or below us. When we moved in 3 months ago we introduced ourselves to both the upstairs and downstairs neighbors and they seemed to be very nice, respectable people, typical professional types that tend to live in our neighborhood. We say hi when we see them, but dont have much contact other than that.
I was home yesterday afternoon, cleaning the house, studying, reading. I had all the windows open because it was so nice. One minute I’m hearing lovely birds chirping in the trees and the next I hear, “you motherfucking bastard, how dare you, you low life narcissistic asshole!” coming from right outside the open front door. It was the downstairs neighbor. Hmm, what could be the trouble? I inched cautiously toward the front door and listened.
Downstairs neighbor: “Who the fuck do you think you are, messing with my fucking shit, motherfucker?”
Upstairs neighbors “We’re not messing with your shit, man, we moved it as soon as we realized. Calm down.”
DN: “Get the fuck away from me, who do you think you are?”
UN: “What is your problem? Why are you all upset? We did what you asked us to do. You cant talk to us that way.”
DN: “Get away from my door!”
UN: “We’re not at your door, we’re on OUR steps!”
DN: “FUCK YOU! I’m gonna bash your head in with a baseball bat”
UN: “That, oh, that’s a threat. That’s it, we’re calling the police”
DN: “Go ahead, call the motherfucking police, I dont give a shit. I’ll go get my shotgun right now and blow your brains out”
UN: “Are you drunk?”
DN: “NO, I am NOT drunk!”
UN: ” So you just act like this all the time”
DN: “Fuck yeah, I do”

So, I am quivering in my entry, thinking, what the hell did they do to piss him off that badly? Did they murder one of his pets? Plant a bomb on his porch? WHAT COULD IT BE???

They didnt end up calling the police, they called our landlord. A sweet Chinese man with an equally sweet pregnant wife. They came over right away, but by the time they got there, DN was gone.

I came out to hear the story from the beginning. So here it is folks, this outta be good, right?
Well, apparently, they temporarily stored their bicycle in his ‘gardening area’ unintentionally because they couldnt tell it was a ‘gardening area’ on account a how there was no plant life in said area at the time.

That would cause me to go ape shit and threaten to kill the bastards too. He shoulda killed em when he had the chance.

Who knew life in this neighborhood could be so exciting?

I wonder if Mr Rogers’ Neighborhood ever experienced such violence. Maybe Lady Elaine Fairchild left her garden hose on Daniel Tiger’s clock and he flew off the handle and scratched her big red nose (Did she have seasonal allergies, or was she an alcoholic?). Perhaps the trolley was used for drug trafficking or was involved in a drive by shooting. Maybe somebody tagged up King Friday’s castle and he exacted his royal revenge on poor Mr Owl. Who knows what went on behind the scenes.


One Comment

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  1. toni / Mar 6 2005 6:52 pm

    wow. wow wow wow. i’m thinking i’ll have some intersting neighborhood stories coming up soon.

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