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March 4, 2005 / Kate

Tee-Ohhed

I am so fed up with the people on campus every four feet that are constantly trying to get you to sign something or buy something or vote for something or donate something or sign a petition to ban something or stop the ban on something else. They are often physically attractive and flirty so you are distracted by the shininess of their teeth or their chiseled abs bulging from underneath their shirts as you sign the petition to ban all peanut products from within 50 feet of the cafeteria.

We try to travel in groups, so they can only prey on one of us at a time. Its like National Geographic. They can pick out the weak ones easily. We never stop to help them, we just gather up our young and break into a run and thank God it wasn’t us this time. If I find myself having to walk alone between buildings, I sometimes pretend I am crying, or mentally unstable. It helps to gnaw on pieces of your clothing. These tactics usually work, but today I had a particularly feisty one.

As I walked out of class, guy with long hair and baseball cap on backwards and the dreaded clipboard in hand chooses me as his victim and says, “okay, so we made eye contact and you’re about to smile, so hold up a minute, cutie, and let me tell you why you should sign the petition against putting another garbage receptacle outside the east entrance of the library”

NONONONONONONO!!! I screamed as I wrenched his clipboard from his sinewy, tattooed arms and beat him unconscious with it before hurling into the street where it was driven over by a Hummer.

That’s what I should have done. Instead, I gave him the cleanest of dirty looks and said, “not today” and kept walking.

I wish there was something we could do about those people. I should start a petition.

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3 Comments

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  1. jess / Mar 4 2005 11:10 am

    You should start a petition. For that and to outlaw cilantro.

  2. MrIncredible / Mar 5 2005 1:04 pm

    Me and my buddy both agree that folks like that are right down there with, what we consider to be the lowest life form on earth, the Army recruiter. turn the tables on ’em. start asking them questions and for their info.

  3. Kate / Mar 7 2005 2:12 pm

    I’ve been called by those folks before. When I tell them to get lost they say, “oh, so you just don’t feel like serving your country?”
    I’ll serve my country lots of nice, respectable, drug free teenagers. On a big platter. With potatoes. Aahh, now I have a complex. I first wrote that as ‘potatos’ Thanks a lot Steve.

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