Filed under: Uncategorized
A week ago today I had a baby. She’s alive and healthy and gaining weight AND adorable. How did I get so lucky? She makes dolphin noises as she sleeps too. Bonus.
She came with all this gear. The kid weighs seven pounds and she has overtaken our house. It’s getting pretty cramped in here. We’re running a growing, successful business out of our house too. We are stuffed to the brim with honey tanks and jar labels and Moses baskets and diaper pails and dog beds in our little one bedroom apartment. Something has to give.
During my second trimester, people would notice that I was pregnant and hold doors open for me and let me cut in line.
They’d say things like, “you shouldn’t be lifting that, let me get that for you”. I was always puzzled as they gently extricated the kicking, full-grown goat from my arms, or took the anvil I was carrying up the stairs. “I am NOT an invalid” I thought. I am perfectly capable of throwing in some laundry on my way to milk goats at six every morning and chase juvenile delinquents all day, rushing home to hang that laundry on the line and bake a pie before I got dinner in the oven so I could wrangle goats into stalls.
Then the heartburn started. And the swelling. And the shortness of the breathing. I stopped sleeping for more than 20 minutes at a time each night. Walking started to cause sharp pains (mysterious to my midwife) to stab me on either side of my belly button. I became an invalid. I don’t do invalid so well.
Then they cut my hours at work and took my coworker away and gave me her job to do on top of mine. Hmmm. I seem to not be able to breathe. Or keep my eyes open. Or write full sentences. Something has to give.
So I went to see a doctor, and he put me on medical leave until maternity leave begins. Starting now. So here I am, sitting at home, thinking about how I don’t have to go back to work tomorrow. Suddenly I can breathe a little better.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Hi everybody! It was 105 yesterday and will be again today. And tomorrow. Did you hear that I am pregnant? I am glad that I am not 8 months pregnant in this heat, but still. Pa-regnant. We swam in a nice cool pool yesterday and today we’ll swim in a nice cool lake, so life isn’t that terrible. I do feel sometimes like I have been beaten up recently and that my feet have been injected with jelly and my insides are on fire and I wish I could poop. Pooping is nice, isn’t it? Like when you can do it every day? I used to poop every day at the same time of day and never thought about it. Not anymore!
I might feel like I have been beaten because I sleep now for a few hours every night sitting upright and sideways on the couch. Lanugo doesn’t like me to recline on my back (something about not being deprived of oxygen, blah blah blah, cry me a river, BABY). So I sleep contorted among pillows upright on my side. Sometimes with a large orange cat kneading my hip lovingly. If I lie down flat for too long, the camp stove in my belly roars to life and flames lick my tonsils.
But! We might have a blackberry crop this year if the heat doesn’t rise above 110 or so for the next couple of weeks. You have no idea how happy and excited this makes me. Jam, pies, tarts, cobblers and syrups, here we come! And swimming. Thank you Jesus for swimming. It really is the best invention.
Did you listen to Raffi as a kid? I did. I sang the hell out of Baby Beluga all the time when I was little. Lanugo reminds me of that song when he turns over in my belly. I sing it to him loudly and off tune. It’s sad that Keith’s only memory of Raffi is watching a video where Raffi strums a guitar while sliding down a slide singing, “Penis! Vagina!” and various other body parts. I think the song was about becoming comfortable with your body, but little serious Keith was horrified. We’ll have to get a Raffi CD for Lanugo and Keith can reacquaint himself with Raffi’s less shocking side.
Well, time to go. Baby needs waffles. With whipped cream and peaches.
Filed under: Uncategorized
…the District Attorney walks over half dressed to help you extract your swimsuit from the deviant swimsuit spinner thingy at the health club.
…your hairdresser calls you up to tell you she heard you’re pregnant.
Okay, my instinct is to be jokey and totally not for serious when it comes to blogging about little Lanugo* and my hopes and dreams for him (or her). But I would like to let people in a little and tell you some of our real plans. It seems that some people think I am serious when I say that all I need is a bouncer with lights on it, or that my nursery theme desperately needs to be established. I’m just trying to have a little fun people! This baby stuff gets ridiculous.
We are planning on having a home birth with a rented birthing tub. At this point, I am very attracted to using the water in labor. Who knows in the moment what I will want, but I want a tub available to me. I am reading a lot about having an open birth plan, ready for changes. I might want to walk outside and have my baby hanging from a tree branch, who knows? I might go jump in the pond and have the large mouthed bass deliver him/her. I hear fish make great midwives. Speaking of midwives, mine is awesome and has more experience than I have years. She brings another certified midwife with her to her births.
We won’t be having an ultrasound. I am glad the technology is there, but I think it is overused. I won’t use it unless my midwife thinks there is something unusual happening to me that needs to be investigated. Sorry folks, I won’t be posting blurry photos of Lanugo on Facebook until she is breathing on her own.
We live in a one bedroom apartment on our farm. There is no nursery to be found. Lanugo’s nursery theme will be Farty Air and Pet Hair. Don’t freak out, baby won’t be sleeping under any pets. Some people have felt the need to tell me that this is not okay. THANKS! If it were’t for these kind advice offerers, Nuggy wouldn’t stand a chance.
He will be sleeping with his mom and dad. We have an Arm’s Reach co-sleeper set up and ready to go. It attaches to the side of our bed so that Lanugo can sleep close without being crushed by his thrashy-sleeping mother. This makes snuggling and breastfeeding easy throughout the night.
We’ll be trying out the cloth diapers first, because we are dirty, dirty hippies (see homebirth, breastfeeding, co-sleeping above). We’ll see how it goes. I’m trying not to be too rigid in my plans for any of this baby stuff.
Oh, and as for baby furniture, the co-sleeper and maybe a rocking chair is all that we can fit in our tiny home. No changing table, we’ll use the bed or the floor. No whirly bouncers or swings. Although this looks pretty awesome.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, start your opinions. Go!
*Lanugo is definitely the name. I call my baby that more than any other name. When people ask me what I am naming the baby and I can tell they already have an Opinion on the subject, I like to tell them we are going with Lanugo. Lanuga for a girl. Either way, Nuggy for short.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I am back from Portland and my belly is bigger. Wanna see pictures? I know. I want you to too. I can’t show you any because my computer is in the hospital, and Keith is a big meanie and says his computer doesn’t have enough space for more photos. Yell at him for me.
I hope to get this worked out soon because this belly is unstoppable, y’all.
In other news, I love my family and enjoyed spending time with them. Even though they are all certifiably insane. AND! I love barbecued ribs.
Do me a favor will you? And help me come up with a Theme for my “nursery”. There are so many things I have yet to learn about parenting. Did you know that babies cry sometimes for no good reason? Also. They sometimes get constipated or have painful gas. I am not prepared for this! Also! They prefer it if you set up a Nursery for them and they would like it to have a Theme, please. At least, these are all things people are telling me. Over and over. So, not being a fan of Winnie The Pooh, I was considering some alternatives.
Dog Hair
Predators in Action
The Tragedies of War
Bones
Christmas
Bigfoot
Zombies
Can you help add to this list, please? I am so clueless.
My first baby dream!
I sat up in bed. The baby was crawling all over the bed. Silly baby! It’s time to sleep! I couldn’t catch that rascally baby. Come on baby, get back in your bassinet! I finally grabbed onto the baby and it hissed at me and swiped me with his orange paw. The end.
So it turns out, I am pregnant. Whoa. Did I just freak you out? I just freaked me out.
We found out last week and told the fams and some friends and now I am blasting it into the interwebs.
We are excited. I am asking lots of new questions:
1) How is it possible to feel both elated and full of dread while fighting not to barf my breakfast?
2) What is this morning sickness? Why does this have to be part of the package?
3) How is it that I fiercely love a person that is the size of a garbanzo bean? I have never met a person the size of a garbanzo bean, but I like this one.
4) Is it possible to be placed into a medically induced coma for another 4 weeks or so? If so, let’s get that started.
I can smell your face. And your hair. And the litter box. And the carpet in my office. And the nasty weight loss drink my boss consumes during every meeting. I crunch crackers in bed before I move every morning. I gag at the thought of that soup I made two weeks ago that was so delicious that I froze for lunches. I want some beef chili, and I want more yogurt. Please grill me a steak.
Filed under: Uncategorized
It is raining. Praise Allah. Allah means God.
The white hippies and yuppies came out in strong numbers yesterday to butcher the sacred tradition of the Rain Dance. I had to witness this while selling our wares at the farmers market yesterday. It was embarrassing.
They probably think they made the rain come, but it was already in the forecast before they shook and waved their arms and shouted “whoo” in a circle.
Also, here is David Lebovitz in all his glory.
